Later ADHDer

“Many adults with ADHD aren’t aware that they have it – they just know that everyday tasks can be a challenge…” (from the Mayo Clinic)

Not Alone I Guess

Like many grown ass adults, I get a lot of my health information from Tik Tok. Not in the sense of I directly go there to search for symptoms. No, it’s more like the algorithm literally crowdsourced my symptoms based off my likes and what videos kept my attention.

All those likes and all the time spent scrolling led to finding a community of strangers that were able to put together the right words as to how I was feeling about my life – that’s what made me think someone might actually believe me.

Ah, So It Is Real

This diagnosis didn’t bring me any relief, just professional confirmation that this was my brain’s CEO and Chairwoman of the Board, ADHD. My brain and I needed assistance in order to get our shit together, and the current dosages and types of assistance were not it.

I had been joking for most of my life (this can be confirmed by my friends of 30 years) that I definitely had ADD. Growing up, I never would have been diagnosed with ADD or ADHD. I was shy, incredibly intelligent, witty, followed directions, avoided rule breaking at all costs, drank soda like it was my fucking job, and remembered every minute-cringeworthy-embarrassing-stupid detail of my life.

To this day my brain will pull ye olde “oh you want to sleep? Remember how one time in third grade you disappointed your teacher ONCE by jumping up to hit some sort of decoration that was hanging by the ceiling and your teacher was absolutely shocked that you would ever DARE TO ACT LIKE AN EIGHT YEAR OLD IN THE GIFTED AND TALENTED CLASS you heathen. Goodnight!”

And now I have absolutely triggered myself with that because it’s something that actually happened and is in the brain file cabinet labeled Cringe Level 2.

Professional Masker

Now I know, after learning more about my mental health and ADHD in general, that I’ve made it this far because I masked the shit out of myself in order to survive. I don’t know if it will be fully possible for me to ever figure out who I am not masked, because I’ve built up so many layers of masking capabilities that I can gaslight myself into thinking it’s my own fault because masking is a survival tactic and I needed to get through junior high.

But it took until 43 for me to understand that. I did not get a diagnosis until I was 41 – and I don’t know how I didn’t know that this was how my brain was built. I just thought after 16 my life was just meant to go downhill, because that’s when I noticed things were no longer easy. We used to call it the Kendall Curse – because just when you thought you were on the right path in life, something would happen. Something out of the blue would happen and it would floor you.

Turns out, we probably just all have ADHD. For almost all of my life I thought I was just unlucky. Nah, just unable to comprehend how to get from point A to point B. It’s like opening a brand new puzzle and the last piece is always missing. Always missing.

So no, it’s not a surprise that most adults who have ADHD actually suspect that they have ADHD.